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Friday, October 24, 2014

The Coburn Wastebook is Out. Excuse Me While I Take a Lot Of Pills.

The new waste book is out! As has become a yearly tradition, I have the list here so you can keep your dinner down! Also my comments on each. Enjoy and try not to kill yourself.

Oh and Liberals, about that complaining about the rich paying their fair share and having no money for programs?

Fuck. You.

  1. Paid Vacations for Bureaucrats Gone Wild – Show us your bewbs!
  2. Swedish Massages for Rascally Rabbits – Rabbits need foreplay now. 
  3. Army Creates Free First-Person Shooter the Intelligence Community Worries Could Train Terrorists—Didn't Call of Duty already do this?
  4. Mountain Lions on a Treadmill—Much like Shrimp on a Treadmill, this has grave consequences for mankind. We’ll need 80 million more to tell what those are.
  5. Anti-Terror Grant Buys State-of-the-Art SWAT Equipment for Safest Small Town in America – Well how do you think it got so safe? Armed to the gills, that’s how!
  6. OPM Pays Contractor To “Flush” Security Clearance Investigations “like a dead goldfish” – Can we flush congress?
  7. Spouses Stab Voodoo Dolls More Often When “Hangry”, Study Reveals – Another study costing 2 million to find out if “Hangry” is a word.
  8. Scientists Hope Gambling Monkeys Unlock Secrets of Free Will — I bet it will cost a lot of money. 
  9. Subsidies for Sports Stadiums Leave Taxpayers Holding the Bill – When you need a place to get together with 50,000 people to get drunk and belligerent, you can’t expect to pay for it.
  10. Teen Zombie Sings, Tries to Get a Date to the Dance – Well of course we need Zombie outreach. Staving off the apocalypse is government’s number 1 job.
  11. Watching Grass Grow – and money shrink.
  12. NIH Asks if Moms Love Dogs as Much as Kids – Answer: No one likes their kids.
  13. Taxpayers Help NY Brewery Build Beer Farm – Now I have to admit to supporting beer farm subsidies. Please put one in my back yard.
  14. Colorado Orchestra Targets Youth with Stoner Symphony – Also known as the “Grateful Dead.”
  15. U.S. Coast Guard Party Patrols – So when they find one, is the alert system? Tornado, hurricane, and party alerts?
  16. Chronicling Vermont’s Radical Hippie Movement in the 1970’s – The 60’s came. Things started to smell. People hosed off by the 80’s. The end.
  17. USDA’s “Perfect Poop Pak” Smells Like Government Waste – I got nothing.
  18. Synchronized Swimming for Sea Monkeys – How about making them look like they do in the comic book ads? Such a rip-off.
  19. Penn State Shame Study Asks How To Boost Morale After Scandal – No word on a shame study for congressman.
  20. Promoting U.S. Culture Around the Globe with Nose Flutists, State Department Idol – Cause when you think of American Culture, you think “Nose Flutists.”
  21. Free “High-End” Gym Memberships for DHS Bureaucrats – And yet they are so fat. 
  22. Golf Testing, Elementary School Experiments Aboard the International Space Station – Is that a Par 3,000,000 or 4,000,000?
  23. NASA’s Tower of Pork Protected by Politician – I wouldn't be so mad if NASA actually WENT INTO FUCKING SPACE AGAIN.
  24. Congress Blocks Closure of Unneeded “Sheep Station” – This is b-a-a-a-d.
  25. Spray Parks and “Splashpads” Help Beat The Summer Heat – Sounds like a feminine hygiene product.
  26. Roosevelt and Elvis Make a Hallucinatory Pilgrimage to Graceland – My paycheck is becoming a hallucination.
  27. New Bridge Demolished for Using $3,271 Worth of Canadian Steel – Well you can’t put a price on a cool implosion.
  28. Exploding Claims of “Sleep Apnea” Threaten to Bankrupt VA Disability Program – If they were actually exploding during sleep, that would be something. 
  29. Pentagon to Spend $1 Billion to Destroy $16 Billion in Unneeded Ammunition – I bet I know a bunch of hillbillies that would've done it for free.
  30. NASA Wonders How Humans Will React to Meeting Space Aliens – I know: “HOLY FUCK!” Now give me money.
  31. Bruce Lee Dance Play Panned As Promoting Racial Stereotypes  -- Cause if he doesn't act like a bland white person, it’s RAAACISM. (Now with your tax dollars!)
  32. Road through “Ghost Mall” Hopes to Scare Up Business – Cause I’ll go way out of my way if the pavement is smooth.
  33. Postal Service Pays Thousands to Ship Soda to Alaska for Hundreds – At least they already have the ice.
  34. Taxpayers Sing the Blues for the Grammy’s Museum – A museum no one will ever actually visit.
  35. Voicemails From the Future Warn of Post Apocalyptic World - Didn't we address this? Also, can’t we just answer the goddamn phone if it’s from the future? Must we screen everything?
  36. The Funny Ways Government Wastes Your Money: Laughing Classes – Just read this list. You’ll laugh. Or cry. 
  37. FAA Upgrades Low-Traffic Airport Serving High-End Ski Resort – Well we can’t have another national Sonny Bono/John Denver tragedy again. Our country’s long nightmare is over. 
  38. FEMA Overlooks Flood Victims, Rebuilds Golf Course Instead – Government always helps the poor, though, don’t they? Oh right, President 3Putt needed it.
  39. Disney Polynesian Resort Gets Makeover – Doesn't Disney already have all the money thanks to Star Wars and Marvel movies? 
  40. Space Agency Hunts for the Lost Tomb of Genghis Khan – KHAAAAAAAAANNNN! 
  41. Abandoned Pennsylvania Mall Wants to be the East Coast Hollywood – As if the coasts are insufferable enough. Well Senators are getting tired of the long military commandeered flights to the west coast to attend lavish premiers. Time to move them closer.
  42. Wineries Get Help Selling Beer, Chile-Infused Wine – What about Chili-cheese-fries infused Wine?
  43. Roaches, Mice, and Feces in Public Housing Funded by Uncle Sam, Slum Lord – Government cares about poor people, dammit! 
  44. DHS Buys Too Many Cars and Lets Them Sit Underused – Jeez. At least race them in the parking lot.
  45. Costs Skyrocket for “Birds in Space” Replica – The original “Birds in Space” was real expensive so cut em a break on this one.
  46. DOD Tries to Build Real-Life “Iron Man” Suit – Ok that’s cool. Except it turned out like Sam Rockwell’s in Iron Man 2. 
  47. 47. Drug Enforcement Administration Celebrates Itself With Own Museum – Aren't you supposed to stop drugs from streaming in? What’s in the museum, self-importance?
  48. Missile Defense Misses the Target – Hit a defenseless Wal-Mart instead.
  49. Virgin Island Ferries Sit Unused for Nearly a Year – Of course. No one wants to be a virgin fairy. Wait, is this something different?
  50. Jonas Bonus: Rich and Famous Rent Out Their Pads Tax Free – Well if you give that money to the government they’ll just waste it on about 99 different ridiculous things.
  51. State Department Tweets @ Terrorists – Sadly, their strategy is if anyone tweets back, they bomb them.
  52. Border Patrol Builds Over-Priced Houses for Temporary Workers – Wonder if the yards are fenced. 
  53. NASA Goes to Comic-Con, Explores the Marvel Universe – Hey NASA, little tip. Movies aren't real.
  54. Army Corps Buildings in Afghanistan Keep Burning to the Ground – The pigs succeeded with a brick house. Maybe give that a try.
  55. Airport Tree-Trimming Project Turns into 27-Hole Golf Course Renovation – They trimmed the SHIT out of those trees.
  56. Earmark-Funded High-Speed Ferry Sinks Alaska Community – Um. What?
  57. The Selling of an Airport to Nowhere -- Nevermind the fucker was built in the first place.
  58. NASA Study Predicts the Collapse of Human Civilization – I thought the bureau of Zombie Apocalypses already covered that.
  59. Facebook for Fossil Enthusiasts – Christ, isn't Facebook free?
  60. Gamers Tune in to Radio Show About Video Game Music – Not video games, video game MUSIC. 
  61. Two Dozen Teachers Travel to Germany for Classes on Bach, Baroque Dancing Lessons – If it ain't Baroque, don’t spend it. 
  62. Funding to Reduce Road Crashes Used to Restore Non-Working Lighthouse – Well now the cars can see the shore before they drive into it. I’m sure that’s the reason.
  63. “Gateway to Blues” Museum Funded Over Deteriorating Bridges – How about a museum to show when we had highways and safe bridges?
  64. Study Shows How Buddhism Explains the Science of Meditation – Science of meditation is apparently NOT settled.
  65. “Get Fruved:” Social Media Campaign Featuring Students Dressed as Fruits and Vegetables – Get me a giant blender.
  66. USDA Holds Contest to Build Wooden Skyscraper – Just a matter of time before terrorist run wooden planes into it.
  67. Social Security IT Project Wastes Hundreds of Millions – Hiring the same people who did the Obamacare website maybe wasn't the brightest idea.
  68. Feds Waste Millions Trying to Convince Afghans to Grow Soybeans They Won’t Eat – Tell em it’s opium.
  69. Corporate Welfare for Mega Farmers – MegaFarmers are always trying to stop the Autobots.
  70. Snowmobile Race Part of NSF Zero Emissions Challenge – Maybe don’t actually start up the friggin snowmobiles.
  71. Unwanted, Unneeded and Unused Ice House – Are there wanted, needed, and used Ice Houses anymore? Bet they don’t need tax money then.
  72. Virtual Food Fight Smartphone Game – Real Food Fight Dumb Congressman Game, let’s set a date, bring our tomatoes, and meet at the capitol building. Bring bail money.
  73. Prescription for Higher Medicare Bills – I know! Spend Tax Money.
  74. Boutique Hotel Offers Luxury Spa Services, Afternoon Tea, and Upscale Nightcaps – All this makes me remember that I’m paying a missed tax bill every month. Bastards.
  75. Transportation Dollars Fund Media Campaign to Raise Austin Taxes – Wait, you need taxes to get more taxes? WTF?
  76. NASA Loses Hundreds of Electronic Devices Each Month – It’s using the Hubble to find them that’s the real expense.
  77. Huge EPA Warehouse for Paper Reports Thwarts Recycling Efforts – Might I suggest fire?
  78. Food Stamps Get Traded for Cash and Drugs, Go to People Who Hide Their Income – GOVERNMENT HELPS THE POOR GODDAMMIT! STOP QUESTIONING US!!!
  79. DOD Pays 16 Times the Going Price for Helicopter – I bet the salesman gave them the rustproofing package at least.
  80. Injured ICE Employees Cleared to Work, Stay on Workers Comp Instead – There was therapy involved. And lots of band-aids. Leave him alone.
  81. DOD Sends 16 Planes to the Scrap Heap for $32,000 – Can’t we just crash em for less? Bet it’s more entertaining.
  82. Unbuilt Eisenhower Memorial Burning Through Cash – Remember, it sucks cash and it’s not even fucking BUILT yet. What will happen when it is? Will it be like Skynet?
  83. Butterfly Farm Flies Away with Federal Funds – Pretty!
  84. Transit Security Grant for “Feel Good” Ads That Promote Local Tax Increase – Christ, we’ll take your money and make you feel good about it. How about you just buy me a 3.00 tube of lube instead?
  85. Identity Thieves Steal Billions Each Year with Bogus Tax Returns – And yet the IRS seems to be well aware of the identities of conservatives and their organizations. 
  86. Feds Study Science Festival Attendance
  87. Five Decades of Controversy for Beleaguered Government Program – It is the will of Landrew.
  88. Navy Sends Hundreds of Magazines to Congress to Promote Green Initiatives – Were they Hustler on recycled paper? 
  89. NSF Studies Why Wikipedia is Sexist – They saw an entry that said “You can’t read this if you’re a woman” and that set off this study. Apparently they are unaware of the phenomenon of “trolling.” 
  90. Main Town Rebuilds 38 “Speed Humps” to Slow Traffic Through Neighborhood – For some reason rush hour now lasts until 10:45pm. I’m sure it’s unrelated.
  91. DOJ Buys Premium LinkedIn Account to Promote Jobs During Hiring Freeze – They like to tease you. 
  92. Taxpayers Charged to Promote Hillary Clinton’s $14 Million Book in Europe – Man, that’s a steep cover price. 
  93. FAA Spending to Study What to Do With a FAA-Violating Municipal – With all the “studying” the government does, why do they just get dumber?
  94. Texting Drunks Asking Them Not to Drink – I really, really, want to see the replies.
  95. We All Scream for Federally Funded Ice Cream – Did they finally run out of cheese?
  96. NASA’s Near-Earth Object Program: The Comet that Keeps Chasing Its Tail – Still, without it, we’d never get quality entertainment like “Armageddon.”
  97. Medicaid Provider Taxes  -- Because one fucked up health care system is never enough.
  98. Earmark Spends Taxpayer Money to Send Coal to Germany – Were they bad little girls and boys? Seems harsh.
  99. Marketing Money for Little-Used Wisconsin Airport100.Farmers Get Grant to Produce “Worm Power” Compost – What does “powered compost” actually do? Degrade in 6 minutes flat? And now we are turbo charging it with worms? WHAT THE FUCK?

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