Sometimes Things (Like "GOP War on Women") Can Be Made Ridiculous

I mean really if you look at what's happened the last 50 years, is it REALLY the conservatives who have a "War on Women?"

The war began simply enough. In the 1960s, men decided they wanted to see more tits. The Republicans created an organization that encouraged women to burn their bras. Almost overnight, men were treated to breasts of all shapes and sizes swinging freely in thin T-shirts. As we gazed at their pendulous cans, we told women they were expressing their freedom and teaching us a lesson about uncomfortable underwear or something. Conservatives never lost momentum with the “dump ’em out” movement and as recently as 1992 removed all barriers between my eyeballs and funbags.

Inspired by this remarkable victory, the GOP began a “war of the sexes” that would garner as much sex as possible for men. The biggest obstacle they had was the fact that women can create life. This makes them less likely to spread their legs for every Tom, Dick, and Harry who comes along. The solution to this was simple: trivialize it. Make women think it’s an irrelevant detail that’s downright disgusting. This took some convincing, but today it’s not unusual to see a young woman turn her nose up at the act like it’s the same as shitting out a tumor.

“Wasting a woman’s fertile years isn’t even a thing these days. How convenient is that?”

Once getting pregnant was seen as some kind of revolting accident, getting laid was way easier. Republicans encouraged birth control and created a “Free Love” movement where men could bed whomever they wanted without consequences. Those stupid enough to buy the cow when they were getting the milk for free invented key parties, where married men would exchange wives for a night. This led to a massive divorce epidemic, which sucks at first but ultimately means more sex partners for men. It’s a win-win.

If this was always the GOP's goal, we are killing it in the War on Women.